Sunday morning ramblings. 8.12.2019
A few weeks ago I worked through some difficult processes with my healer. Our work focused on enlightenment. This process involved stripping down and uncrumbling that facade of pretence, the layers of untruth that had embedded itself in my psyche. I discovered that exposing and removing everything I imagined and believed to be true is challenging. In recent times, driven by that urge constantly nagging at me that I am out of tune with the world around me, getting help was vital.
As someone with anxiety and panic disorder as well as perfectionist tendencies, the act of admitting to this facade of pretence was confronting. Yes, for too long I believed that this made me the real deal. This was further impacted by a notion that my success depended on being bigger and better in all aspects of my life and that it was my purpose to strive for that. This I falsely believed would prove that I am an equal and good enough compared to those around me.
But then as things became clearer my mind started questioning. Good enough for who or for what? Whose benchmark am I using? You see, I am a product of a system that messed with my mind. That system was called apartheid or oppression whichever is the worse word for it. The work required to find closure about this is not the easiest path, especially for a chronic over-thinker. Letting go of these damaging thoughts have been a slow process. My spirit was in despair. While I’m chipping away at searching for the essence of my spirit, held in captivity for so long, a renewed being is clawing it’s way out. There is no stopping now. No going back.
But allow me to share. You know what I detest the most in letting go? Not the hard work I must put in to gain closure from this crap that shaped my early life but the audacity of those who say, with such ease: ‘you must move on.’ You must let go to survive. Hello … moving on is a process. We cannot only survive. We must thrive, our spirits must see the beauty to revel in life around us.
Like a motorised engine, as in life, sometimes it stops and starts, splutters and chokes. But after each service and oil change it purrs beautifully. If you have suffered systemic abuse in any form, then the very mechanisms needed to keep going have either rusted or have been eroded. Further shame and ridicule erode healing. Unity and encouragement are wonderful affirmations for those struggling through trauma. As they say in South Africa – Ubuntu – the spirit of humanity towards others.
And I want to ask those who kept/keep these systems flourishing for some tips in moving on, in how to turn a blind eye. If you are up to it, give me your top ten tips in any order. I ask this because of the silence. It makes me wonder if you have the answers.
Outside the birds are chirping. Another day is starting. I choose to make it a good one.
Sometimes when I talk to God, to Spirit, to the universe then they laugh at my plans. Those ones where my creativity knows no bounds. When I complain that I don’t understand my role, that my trauma filled life is overwhelming, you know mos how we complain. That’s when meditation, enjoying nature, showing gratitude, connecting with Spirit become the tools to get through my day.
Namaste. Blessed Sunday to you all. 🧡